By the time I was in my late-twenties, I was done. I wanted to check out. So much so that I actively sought a way to end my own life.
Because I thought that I was a failure and that I had exhausted the limits of my value as a human being.
To give you context: I became a millionaire when I was 19.
Having fallen afoul of the UK ‘grade scandal’ of the early 00s, and losing my place at the prestigious university of Oxford;
I had set out to prove to the system that I didn’t need anybody’s help!
With solid determination, iron will (and a massive chip on my shoulder)
I forged my entrepreneurial path with gusto (man I wish I still had the energy of that guy)!
So I made my first million by the age of 19…but what went wrong?!
A series of mistakes, financial frivolities and a cocky attitude meant that in pretty short order: I lost it all.
But I didn’t care!
I had proven to myself that I could do it. I had walked in the shoes of the person that I wanted to be already, and I knew that I could do it again.
So I started up my second business and got to work. I was going to do it again and then some…and you know what?
Within a couple of years I had attained millionaire status once more.
I was living in luxurious apartments in London, driving a Porsche, travelling first class…the works. But then guess what happened. Yup…
I lost it all for a second time.
In my naivety, I had set up the funding model for my company all wrong.
Thanks to a small (but important) technicality, my business funding was unlawful and subsequently the government stepped in and took everything.
This time I didn’t bounce back. I was done.
I thought that no matter what I did, something or someone was going to come along and take it from me.
The thought of striking out again filled me with nothing but sorrow this time around.
All that work. All that effort…and for what?
Couple that with a late diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome and I was convinced that there was nothing left in the world but failure for me.
And so I took the decision that ending my life was the only recourse I had left.
But how would I do it?
It may sound incredibly morbid, but at the time it didn’t feel quite as macabre as it reads.
Being on the Asperger’s end of the spectrum, my need for meticulous planning took over.
Multiple methods of suicide were considered and then roundly dismissed.
You see: I wasn’t afraid of death. I was just so afraid of failure that every time I considered a particular ‘method of egress’ from the world,
I would be plagued by images of me in hospital having failed at yet another thing.
I knew people who had tried to cut their wrists, only to wind up sectioned with scars on their arms. Serving forever as a scarified reminder of their failure. That’s how I saw it anyway.
I was afraid that I’d survive!
Then it all clicked for me. In my search for a way out, I was given the key that would unlock it all: me!
I recognised, finally, that I was the sole architect of my life and that if I wanted things to change, I would have to change.
It took me several years to fully unpack this and put it into practice, but the seed had been sown.
I had reclaimed my power!
From there I knew that if I wanted my experience to change, I had to change my reaction to my circumstances and start making aligned choices with what I wanted.
I also knew that I had to do the work of fully understanding my desires, why I desired them and who they were really for.
The truth is: we are all manifesting, all of the time.
If we don’t do that work though, we leave that manifestation machine at the mercy of our subconscious ‘autopilot’.
We are no longer making deliberate, conscious decisions and so the outcome appears random to us.
If we have not taken full responsibility for our experiences though, even the negative ones; we are telling ourselves the lie that we are powerless victims. And this lie will grow!
Armed with this, I went back out into the world and made my fortune once more. Several ventures and businesses later,
I decided that I would surrender to the process of simply teaching (to whoever would listen) what I had learned.
Being so purely purpose-driven has lead me to a truly abundant and joy-filled life.
I am a millionaire once more, but more than that: I am free!
Abundance is about more than just money. It is a mindset. It is a way of life, not just numbers on a screen.